I’m only Human – I just have to get this out!

I’m only human, I get emotional about once a day and have for some time now.  I want to note a few things on how this experience really feels.  It is mostly for my sanity to get it out on paper and out of my mind and to look back on and see what all I overcame.  Also to potentially help others that travel this same path and look for someone elses point of view and story of what they went through.  That’s what I looked for….what I had to do.  This has been so completely different and I’ve experienced things physically so far and emotionaly that I have not been sure how to handle or if they were ‘normal’ or not.  I had to read lots of blogs by other Quad Moms and have even met some that have offered their story.  This helped tremendously as I got insight to what I was feeling, and that it was ‘normal’ for a Quad pregnancy.

I know every pregnancy is different…..I had such an easy one with Parker and I was blessed by that, of course it was uncomfortable at the end, but it was an easy pregnancy I thought.  I know other women have had rough and what would be described as horrible pregnancies and have had to overcome many obstacles to have a healthy baby!  So I certainly know even a singleton preganacy can be challenging!  There have been lots of parents who’ve unexpectedly had a premature baby and have to immediately cope with the notion of that and have their baby in the NICU fighting for their little lives.  And, in the end, even with any pregnancy….there are discomforts and challenges, etc….but I know every mother will tell you it was worth it!   And my Quadruplet pregnancy will be worth it as well!  I know how much of a blessing this is….it is not a burden…how blessed I am to have 4 precious souls in my tummy that will come into this world and fight and grow to become the children God intended them to be!  I will never ever take that for granted and by anything I say or complain about does not mean that I do not first and foremost know and feel how blessed I am.   So please know this and just understand that I am human, of flesh and bone, and I have pains and worries that I believe are perfectly normal…I just need to talk about them I guess.

When we decided to use the help of science and doctors to help us conceive, we fully thought it through, we prayed about it and felt it was the best option for us.  (and I don’t think I ever shared that the year and a half we tried on our own…I took many many many ovulation tests, and NONE of them EVER showed that I was ovulating….As soon as we decided to try medicine to help me ovulate, I FELT myself ovulate!  It was amazing! )  Anyway, we decided and moved forward and were blessed with Parker, and then again, our Quads!   I just want to note that I don’t think anyone tries for Quadruplets….We just wanted a brother or sister for Parker, to grow our family….We didn’t have do In Vitro, and I know some parents do to conceive..which is amazing.  But with our IUI and all the many numbers of IUI procedures that just my doctor and hospital administer…conceiving QUADRUPLETS is very rare this way!!!  What does that tell me, tell Trent and I…????  It’s a testimony to our faith and our love for our Heavenly Father.  He chose to bless us with these babies!  For whatever reason, he knows that we can handle it, LOL!    We never ceased to present our request to God and always asked with thankful and humble hearts.   With that being said, that is how we believe with our hearts and minds and nothing can ever change that.   There have already been comments ( and I assume they will continue) but, some say…..well, it’s just science….or that my children aren’t natural…hmmmmm….  I know everyone has their beliefs.  But..to just be frank…MY CHILDREN ARE ALL NATURAL, they are not fake…lol.   I’m just not sure what else to say on that….I guess nothing….

I do know some ask if we conceived them Naturally, and I understand that question…I don’t think everyone is implying that my actual children aren’t real, but just wondering about their conception…  And I will tell you…I have told all in this blog, I’m pretty much an open book really and have nothing to hide.  Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the questions.  I so hope this blog helps though so we don’t have to answer the same ones over and over.

Anyway…that all being said, back to my emotions at hand.    This journey has certainly been the hardest thing I have ever been faced with….certainly the hardest physically speaking!  I could have been in better shape before I got pregnant, I should have had more muscle on my body, but I didn’t, so oh well.  And, I can do this.  I certainly have a winning spirit and will not quit.  I used to be an okay basketball player…… I know what it’s like to push yourself physically and am very capable.  I just have to stop thinking about how big I am now and how much bigger I need to be, LOL!  Any mother can tell you that at the very end of pregnancy…..the 36th…38th, 40th plus weeks are sooooooooo increadibly uncomfortable that it is tough to do anything at all.  You can’t sleep because your just uncomfortable and well….because you get up out of bed every 30 minuites  or every hour to pee (which I’ve done since about February 1st – Our toilet paper bill is outrageous! )  But…..I have certainly surpassed how big my body stretched with my almost 8lb Parker, and have been for 2 or 3 weeks now.  But I have 4 in my belly now, and I need them to grow, so I see my needing to sacrifice everything physically to get them to 32 weeks.  This has been tough…..  Some say “well, you don’t have to go the entire 40 weeks”  And, my humanly flesh actually is glad for that…..BUT OH MY GOODNESS, WHY WHY would I not want to take my babies to term, I would lay down my life for any of my 5 children anyday….WHY would I not want to carry my babies so they could be healthy and have no complications or chance of death!!!!  I don’t want premature babies.. What parent does!  It just is pretty much a matter of fact with Quadruplets.  And we were told this the minute we found out about them, and we were even asked if we wanted to selectively reduce the number of beating hearts….well, we know what Trent and I said to that!  Anyway, I do say…knowing ahead of time and being mentally prepared for 4 NICU babies has helped me wrap my mind around it, and visiting blogs and viewing pictures of little 2 lb  angels with every kind of probe and monitor hooked up to them fighting, just fighting to live!!!!  This all has helped me mentally and emotionally prepare for their arrival.  Sometimes, I have to stop reading some things because of all the complications that can arrive (and I tell you there are Many Many things that are a parents worst nightmare)  ….I just can’t think about that…I have to stand on God’s word for my babies, and put them in his hands. And, we pray for all our doctors and NICU nurses that they are prepared to care for our babies.

I am just blown away by how tough this pregnancy has been, I didn’t think it would be a walk in the park, but whew!  Everything has been amplified.  I was struggling with the notion too that I was just not able to get around very well starting about a month ago.  Not getting around at 19 weeks pregnant, What!?!?  I felt like a pure and total wuss!  LOL!  This is what other Quad moms have helped so tremendously with.  Come to find out I am normal, others felt very similar and had the same challenges.  I can’t walk very far, can’t sit very long in any position because of all the pressure, have to lay a lot until my hips go to sleep.  And, my heart….my breathing… I can’t breath!  I ask the doctors about this every time…my main concern is the babies.  Are they getting enough oxygen?   Docs say yes, and this is normal every time I ask.  I just can’t walk across the room without having to stop and catch my breath, and this has gone on since March.  (well…and at first I had all the sinus issues and couldn’t breath) So I basically have been fighting for air this entire pregnancy so far.  My heart flutters so bad and pulse is raised and I have to be careful to not let it go to far or I feel like passing out.  Laying down is the worst…sometimes it takes me 30 minutes to calm my heart and breathing and find a position that works before I can go back to sleep at night (and this is every time after I get up to pee all night long!)  But laying is the best for my cervix, to keep it from holding too much pressure and shortening.  Not that I’m on prescribed bed rest, but I’ve been told laying is better since I’ve started having contractions the last week or so.  Anyway, every day is a struggle to keep myself breathing and a calm heart and try to listen to my body and give my babies the best chance at life!  I just feel like sometimes I can’t go on…being at the full term size or more I am spent….yet I have further to go.  I see myself starting to need help turning over in bed, getting out of bed, bathing myself, needing help going to the bathroom a ka-jillion times a day and night and more…. all of this needs to continue.  I pray for peace and strength to go forward for a few more months and keep growing and stretching to the max… If there was just one baby, I would be done, or at the end, I would have relief….But, there’s not, I have 3 boys and a little girl counting on me to NOT BE DONE!  My relief will have to wait.

All that physical stuff being said…There’s tons of emotions!!!   So many emotions I can’t even put them all down…… So at first, there was Parker asking for me to play with her all the time…asking for me to jump on the trampoline or run with me Mommy…or pick me up…or read me a book (I couldn’t because I couldn’t breath and I still haven’t read to her)    And, I know this is any Mother expecting and at the end where you just can’t pick up your children, etc.  Well, I’ve been there for some time now and will continue to be for some time.  And I joke with Trent…because I used to be the fun one…but now Daddy is the best and the most fun!  And, this is all okay, Parker will be fine, I will be ‘Fun’ again…I am just trying to paint the picture of the everyday little emotions that I feel.    AND…so for my 3 little boys and my youngest daughter…. I love to sing songs to my babies (Parker too), but I can’t sing to them…or if I try it is just so exhausting and completely strenuous that it’s not worth it, and I can’t read to them either….this I struggle with for all 5 of my children…I want to be everything to them and right now I feel like I’m lacking some…I know I am doing all I can for the 5 of them, so I just have to shut those thoughts out and focus on what’s most important….That the feel loved more than they will ever need, more loved than they can ever imagine.  I want to enable Parker and my Quads to do anything they set their mind to, and know they are loved so very much.  My children will never ever stop hearing and seeing how much we love them.  Oh the emotions…..hence the crying about once a day…It just can’t be helped at this point!  LOL!

So for now, we are doing all we can do or know to do…My husband is just the most amazing man EVER 🙂  of course I’m biased, heehee.  I’ve seen him step up to doing everything, he barely sleeps,  this morning he got up at 3:50AM to work!  He’s just amazing and seems super human sometimes!  He has sacrificed lots for this family….he hasn’t been able to ride his horses, train his colts, or even team rope.  He sent his team roping horse back to his brother to ride since he was just wasting away here not getting rode.  Trent has passions to rope and to work with his horses, and to work out/exercise.   All of this has taken the backseat to what is going on right now…and I’m just saying this to show some of what he is sacrificing for now.  Also, he’ll be the first to say that this is worth it and it all must be done and he would do it forever if he had to, just to care for us!  He has never backed down from a challenge and he’s not about to now.  That is what sets him apart from others who just quit…or give in.  He is and will be the best model and teacher and provider and selfless giver and many other things for our family!  I love him with everything and this journey has only and will only bring us closer!